Tearless Trepidation


Sunday, 17 February 2008
7.57 p.m.

Dear love,

I don’t know what I feel but this constant feeling has been away from me for quite sometime.. This feeling has gone but I sense it now coming back, sneaking into the emptiness of my heart.. When I keep thinking of you, it hurts inside; is it what people call love? I feel it many times but I just don’t know what it is, too complicated to explain; but I guess, yes.. It’s love.. When your heart trembles if you feel it; when your mind spoils if you think about it; when your heart beat gets faster when you see it. Your tears start falling when you miss it, when you long for its warmth.

But, this is different. I never felt think kind before.. A feeling of loving yet at the same time setting it free. I don’t want to hold it tight but I don’t want to let it go either. A feeling that floats; not to high or to low; but I feel it grows stronger and stronger everyday. Perhaps this is too fast but all I believe that it is true..

It’s now more difficult to understand about it as it is long frozen and I have to work hard to soften it, your cold heart. You can forget what happened in the past and don’t surrender. All you have to do is to believe that love will come to you again, in your heart.. Otherwise it will be possibly hard for you to carry on. I do always believe that loves, dreams and hopes are things that will always keep us alive; things that will always make us walk, and walk further to arrive to the final end.

Since I found you, these empty days of my life have been filled up with laughter, enthusiasm and hopes to see morning sun shines and to feel its warmth on my face.. For you, I will cross the miles, I will take the chance and I will sacrifice things that I have.. Though I know that they might not be enough for me to prove how much you mean to my life, but you know that love is not necessarily proven because it is born and given to you, through times.. I will wait for you as long as you want me to..

I thought that by thinking that you love me too will make me feel happier and more calm, I am wrong, because I know that your heart does not say it completely yet. Although I understand that we are falling into each other.. It’s just not right and I know it. Something is not going the way I want it to.

I am not good at this, really.. Dealing with it many times does not really make me an expert – a great lover. Such a fool.. It’s always great at the beginning, after that there will be a lot more complications, problems that I can barely handle them.

It always comes to surprise me with many different faces, scenarios. I cant always apply what I learned from the past on the current situations.. It confuses you with a random pick. I don’t know what I have to do now to control this, but I will go with the flow and see how these things go and grow and where they bring me to; there must be lessons to learn, sacrifice to make and blessing to take…

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