Life Reclaimed

Way Back Into Life


Life has been very tough to me the last months. As I always mentioned in my previous posts. The last one year I have been going through a lot of hard times, yet fortunes sometimes came in to my life. I don’t want to complaint a lot about life. It is just I feel that I’m now living a real life! Cruel somehow to good to be real. I have been lost. Though I have been searching for salvation in some people that I know, unfortunately the efforts do not work as I expected to be in the end. I have been going there and here without clear direction, of where to destine.

Failures and successes seem so meaningless at this time; they don’t give me lessons, or it is me who can’t take lessons out of them, probably. I don’t want to give up, I want to keep trying, really hard to get everything back; to put all the pieces in the right order again. That does not seem so easy to get done. I don’t want much, I just wan to find a way back into life again. Where everything goes as I want it too, at least it doesn’t go this complicatedly.

Now I think that I don’t live life that my inner self want it, but everyone else. Too much hopes and expectation from other that really put heavy burdens on my shoulder. I want to change to be a free man, to be a person that I might really want myself to be, doing anything, going anywhere anytime, without bothering what others may think about. Maybe, it is time to change, to get out of the tightened chains, to get that handcuffs off and to get my mind right. I simply feel jealous of what others can do, living this life. We only live once, we have to enjoy it. Can’t I enjoy with this way? I can, but somehow, it is taking my true interests away from my real life.

But, if I changed my direction now, I might have to sacrifice the dreams that I have been keeping this far. Isn’t it a lot of ways to change the world? It is not about what you are, who you are, where you are, what language you speak; but I think it more about what we are doing again and again through times that makes what we truly are. We can be anything, a teacher, an actor, a singer, a writer, a diplomat, a motivator but what I can say, and more importantly, is that we can be inspiration for everyone around us. Together we find the way to change life.

Okay, let me try to stand up again. I think, my stars within are not shining so brightly, they are fading away. But it is because of what is in our minds and our hearts. We take control of our own stars – the lantern of our soul – that guide us to the place where we belong. No matter how intelligent you are, how rich you are and how powerful you are, when your stars fade away from shinning and warming your heart, you will get lost, and you may go out of your life paths.

I want to get it back. I want my star back to shine and to warm my heart to go on life again. To change my destiny, because it is what we make not what we accept.

It is like climbing mountain and crossing river, we have to struggle to get to the other end; to achieve what we have been dreaming of in life. People? People can’t really help you, it is yourself that eventually help youself, not others. They can’t do anything to you, they can’t change anything for us. Rely on yourself, because in the end it is yourself that will help you to get our of troubles and hardships.

I will survive and I will get my star back.

taken and edited from dated March 31, 2008

Wicker Life

I have been going too far, this time; though there is no regret, I eventually realized that I have to stop all of these carelessness and stupidity.

Get back to it again later…

I also want to my happy 55th birthday to my late mom, on 30 April ago. I know it’s so late but I just get the time now. I have been busy; well, I have been away for sometimes. I am so sorry mom. But, you know that I was praying for you on your birthday last Wednesday. I have been thinking a lot about you a lot lately, that you gave me the most unconditional love ever in this life. Not anyone else, and no one ca ever take your place. I am missing you a lot. I am always praying to Allah to give you the best place next to Him, so that you can always see me and remind me when I go wrong.

I have been searching for your love in any other thousands of loves but still, your unconditional love to me is irreplaceable. I am now in the quest of pursuit of happiness since you left but I haven’t succeeded yet. But, I’ll keep trying somehow, with your heavenly assistance and endless love.

Till I come up with this conception, that if we are looking for miracles we have to be that miracles for others. Another belief is that everyone of us has angels who will be helping us deal with life’s problems but we have to find those angels. The angels can be anyone around us, can be anyone that we never knew and met before, anyone who sincerely extends their hands to us when we need them; to stand up in this life, not to give up, not to give in; we don’t surrender, we have to fight to find what is truth to our hearts. Moreover, those angels can be ourselves. These are the best and the closest angels that will come to us anytime we need them. So, remember that we are angel to anyone. Thus, if we want to look an angle, look for it inside us first.

That’s what I think.

Let’s get back to my unfinished business…

I have been doing stupid things in the last five months, which I shouldn’t have done to a person who really loves me. One who always cares for me on a different way, from unique point of view; One who deserves my love in return, one who deserves not to be cheated on; One who has been supporting me this far; One who extends hands when I fall and helps me stand up to live my whole new life again.

I am weaving one piece to another piece of my life, to be a real good story that I can be proud of one day; story that people will always remember. I have taken wrong ways and now I have to be responsible for myself to get back to the right path. I know it’s hard to get back, but I really have to try. Otherwise, I will just end up my life like any other ordinary stories.

Another point of view that I have created is that it is ourselves that can change and decide what we want to do and what we want to be in this life. We can be a very simple person; we don’t have to do outstanding things or actions that give contributions to other people. We can be a very closed person to anyone; we do things for ourselves, for our own happiness, not others’. Then we will be easily forgettable. We are here on earth to be responsible for easy-but-not-easy obligations. We do our best; we give people what we have, to the utmost level of advantages, so that others can pass that on to others.

On the other hand, if we want to be ‘somebody,’ then we have to struggle. Understand and identify what we know or can do best; maintain, improve and develop them and share them with others; our knowledge and our skills. Be the best on what we can do best. Share the most fragrant smells to others as a person, so others can smell how fragrant we are.

The most important thing is to follow our hearts, listen to what it says; our intuition, with the best intention.
I have been thinking which one I really want: intelligence, money or power; then a friend once asked but don’t forget about responsibility and morale obligation. And I added the most valuable element: ‘love.’ So, whatever we want to be: smart, rich or powerful don’t forget to always bring along these three elements: responsibility, morale obligation and love.

Open up ourselves; bring them to the way to want to be. Release them, let them grow and show the magic of life, the magic of inner power. To show the world how powerful we are, to tell the world that we can change it with what we have inside us. Don’t let others underestimate us and don’t let others intimidate us. We have the power to let them know and tell them that we are not like what they think we are like.

Others, sometimes don’t know what they are talking about, they don’t understand how important it is to understand others, to respect others and not to be hypocritical. If others just can’t change, show them what we are doing is just right. We are not only just talking, but we are also walking what we are talking, which make it the loudest thing we can show. This is the combination of both that make us special people: we talk the walk and walk the talk.

What a wicker of life; when we have to put things in order to be a complete formation of the whole picture of our own life. Just be thankful for now that we are alive, that we are still given another chance to be a better person, and to make our lives improved. Just go on and again, follow your heart, give it time to say something.

Again, happy birthday mom! May your next journey of life give me guidance to live my life. Thank you and I love you…

taken and edited from dated May 4, 2008

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