Furious Fantasy

The Agony

Love stories.

Life stories.

Nonsensical and exaggerating stories.

Life feels like a great agony for me at this very moment. I feel so exhausted and when I got home, I found myself unhappy apart from the thoughts that I had filled my days with joys and accomplishments–but they have become so meaningless . But every single day, I thought I have done my best, I felt that I become so productive but when I got home everything was washed away..

I listened to relaxing music and it just makes me feel astray.. My mind wanders, my body squirms and my soul travels; I just can’t put them all together.. Whereas, this is the bedrock of good feeling, and I just can’t do that! Everyday feels more hollow and hollow and leads nowhere, but here to go.

I am missing what’s important in this life. A person to share you days with, it can be anyone. And in my case, it is a person that can make my happiness, and it is my mom.

I remember years back when I got home, when I fell sick she was always there for me. She was the reason that I kept striving and making a lot of progresses. She was the one whom I could share my days with. And that now she’s gone, and since almost four years ago life has been like this. When I have to dedicate all my achievements to nobody. Although she lives on in my heart, it is not the same and never will be.. This is it, life gets so empty and boring and you have no reason to move on but to fill and live your days so you won’t feel suicidal–this is not easy.

Sometimes and often times, I get so envious of those who still have their mothers around. No regret and there is nothing I can do to bring her back by my side. All I can do is to nourish her love and passion in my thoughts. This is not a little struggle. I do everything to carry on. I try to make use of everything I have and had. I found a way back into painting and I will want to get back to music again someday, to keep me company to fill my days, to patch the hollowness.

I thought there is no point at all for doing what I do everyday because at the end of the day, I felt injured by the fact that they all are not counted in the sense that they don’t give us peace. And I am just too tired to continue.

This great agony is not worth the struggle. The agony takes everything from me. And I got no energy to take it back. I got to rest yet I got to move quickly, like there’s no time to stop to think what can be done..

The Outburst

Unbearable confusion, irresistible diversion and immeasurable emotion…

To hate you, to hurt you, to love you or to love you more. Or to hurt myself instead… The outburst of emotional burdens is indescribable; it is a mix of almost everything. To be right or to go wrong. It feels like my heart is going to explode and I just can’t stop it. I want to change and I want to stay the same. I got to take the consequences of both.

It takes sorry to stay the same and it takes bravery to change. I don’t want to be enslaved by my misbehaving–the things that I know well but are not right and I really want to fight back this seemingly-invincible built mindset. I need to change but I got to sacrifice so many things. But I might sacrifice even more things if I don’t. What should I do?

I know this is the time for me to shine. The opportunity is right in front of me and I am going to let it slip away. I still have time before it really does. I need to cleanse the old characters and paradigm in me by exploding all of them and change them with the new ones.

It feels like growing anger, constant anxiety and flowing fear.. yet, there are ravage of outbursts..

I feel sick and I’m going to vomit. I can’t bear this alone anymore..

However hard I pushed away and fought back, I don’t seem to win the struggle.. I get trapped in a circle where I can’t just leave and escape. It’s surrounded by guilt, sin and furiousness. But I know that I still have my two saviors the leaves and the water that taught me to be calm yet dynamic. With these I could stop and think how to deal with the real situation–the fantasy in reality.

To change is not an easy decision to make. It takes courage for somebody like me to leave my comfort zone and start a totally a new beginning with different conditions. But it might not be for someone else, although I know that a lot of people fear to change. Change, change, change–change is all I need and this is going to be the biggest decision I made early of this year, for my future.

And my new definition of the future is that it is the gift the present will give to us on the day we have to harvest what we have done today. That’s what I call ‘fare qualcosa per il nostro futuro’. This thought will motivate us always when we understand what we are doing, it is for our future.

The outburst will never be such a waste if we accept and understand the notional being of ourselves and our thoughts. At the end of the day I will realize that to change requires sacrifices, and in the end they will all be worth the things that I will accomplish, and I call it ‘A Leap of Life.”

taken and edited from mohammadreiza.com dated January 2011

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s