Birthday Fever

Birthday Syndrome

December 15, 2006
10.02 p.m.

Have you ever thought, or perhaps have a second thought of what birthday syndrome is. Or have you ever noticed that the days before your birthday there is always something that makes you feel uncomfortable inside? You feel sad, happy at once – imbalanced – then you have to look at yourself again if a birthday means so much for you in this life. You have to raise some questions to discover the true feeling of it.

This is an inconsistent feeling that makes you feel bad, good, happy and terrible at a time. How could it happen to us, human beings?

I suppose that there is spiritual element involved in this syndrome. But I can’t tell what. Probably, it’s about the circular of our birth. The days before we came to this world, there should have been a lot of hardship our mothers carried and they must have felt many kinds of feelings, from holding on the pain of about delivering the birth – US – and happy about having new baby – US – so it’s the mixture and the remembrance of what our moms felt before she delivered US to this world. That’s why we feel like this in the days before our birthday. Does my hypothesis make sense to you? It’s simply my personal assumption about why we feel so complicated

That’s how I call this state of feeling days before my birthday. I don’t know why and how it happens but it really drives me crazy. Psychologically I am disturbed. This is really disturbing behavior. I haven’t got the answer why it comes to me every year days before my birthday. It makes me really insane, out of focus. Complicated and imbalanced.

I really want to find out the answer. There is always stuff that bothers me before, on and after my birthday, which is to me WEIRD!

Is this how it feels when we are born in this world. It feels so difficult, but once we’re born everything will go smoothly little by little and it fades in. Perhaps, we simply need to be going through this time, alone with nobody but ourselves.

We think and assess what we have done in the past – one year behind – and what we’re going to do in the next year to come. Have we planned something or have we not? This time is a hardship yet maturing us in some ways.

One more time, perhaps God wants us to use this time – phase – to think over our lives again so that we have a time of reflection – a moment of silence – to improve the quality of our lives. To think about our lives from the day we were born until this minute when we realize that we’re in this state of mind.

I feel tired to experience this year after year. There must be a solution for this feeling that I don’t expect to feel at all. I simply need to be aware of it. That’s it, not more than that. Because I know how it feels – so bad.

Perhaps other people feel the same thing toward this phase – or so called BIRTHDAY SYNDROME by me – every year before their birthday. A friend of mine said that she felt this phase too that she could barely handle it. Everybody else does too, experience this moment of rebirth – rejuvenation – of ourselves into someone new.

If everybody feels it, what does it mean to us? What does it contribute to our personal growth? What does it affect on our spiritual and psychological awareness?

These should become questions that we have to solve together, questions that we have to discuss the answers.

I think this is about to sharpen our emotional quotient so that we become more sensitive to what is happening around us, what is moving around us. SENSITIVITY. This might give us an under-conscience alarm to be alerted what is going to happen to us or what we expect to happen to us. That’s what I captured at the moment.

After all, we can take it – for granted – to learn it through so that we can get something valuable every year to make us grow, to be a better person in life. I am done with all of these suffering feelings; I want to manipulate these feelings to be something beneficial. In other words, we convert this circumstance into a few good things that benefit us – full stop.

Birthday Misery

17 December 2006

10.17 p.m

I don’t know about my 23rd birthday. Today has become the worst birthday in my life. No family, no friends, no people I love to be with, completely lonely. No birthday present, no birthday cake, just nothing. NO party, definitely.

Feel so miserable, alone in my room. With myself, with no celebration at all. Wondering why and what is the importance of birthday celebration in someone’s life. Well, This is my choice to be alone in here, though. I should give time for myself after all I have done, all time spent for others, works.

What’s the difference: to be with others and to be with myself on my birthday. Birthday is more likely to be the day when have to reflect ourselves to the past, what we did one year back. Have we achieved what we planned, what we dreamt of? This is an evaluation time for ourselves; to look through closer how far and how hard we have worked to achieve those goals.

I don’t mind to be alone this year, because I know that the coming years I won’t be alone. There will be people who want to be with me on my birthday. Besides, I used to be lonely and I used to the feeling. I’ll be all right.

It’s Sunday, and others seem to be busy with their own schedule as also I didn’t give them advanced notice that I would celebrate my birthday today. So, that’s the consequence.

I am supposed to be happy that I have achieved a lot in one-year time passed. Things that I didn’t really plan to achieve. I didn’t even dream of them, at all, but I got them.  I have got so many miracles in one-year time. I have to be happy about it. I have to be so much thankful for those miracles. One thing, that I am still blessed but the hand of God, by the hand of Love and Miracle.

I have achieved so much this year. I met a lot of new people. I went to so many new places. I strived so many new experiences. I feel so overwhelmed with all of them. I found so much loves. I also realized that in my age, there are a lot of people who love me too. I have to be grateful for these.

I found so many people who could support me. I found so many new spirits to live my life, to stand up once again to go through everything, to go through a lot of hardship in this life that definitely made me much wiser, stronger and matured. I have solved so many problems; I have made so many decisions for myself and for my life. I have to be proud of myself. Four thumbs up for myself for doing and achieving so many things in one-year time of my life.

It’s the highest achievements in my life. Meeting again, person who has actually gone from my life.

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