Beyond the Limit

What a wonderful life…

I feel lately that I am not that focusing on my study or so-called professional development. I think too often about my love life – my personal life – which I think it’s a way too complicated and to premature for me to think about it right now.

This will be very hard for me to be going through many more hardship in this life.

From the first internship in Corporate Communication, Corporate Secretary of Cardig International, Jakarta for a duration of four months. I was obviously so productive, creative, innovative and so many initiative. The next internship was in the Events Department of British Chamber of Commerce in Indonesia, Jakarta for a two-month duration; In here I felt less creative and productive, I dunno why but I have done less compared to the first internship instead of that everything was fine – in order – and not a big deal to handle.

But here, in UNESCO, this is the organization I really wanted to do my internship. I got it and I am supposed to be very happy, enthusiastic, more creative, productive, innovative, well all such positive adjective I should possess, but no. It’s terribly hard to look for great inspiration from within. Yet, my body stamina cannot be compromised with. I become more fragile. I get sick so easily and my working performance is not that great either. I become less productive than I used to be in Cardig or in BritCham.

Unbelievably irrational.

I get what I wanted now. Why should I be unhappy? Shouldn’t I be more motivated and inspired to finish more and more jobs. I lose control of myself. I lose control of my life. It’s terrible. It’s the hardest time I must deal with in this life.

It’s such a mental war and the coming of the warrior of light. I need to find the missing spirit within myself, and within my life.

I am sure, it’s all because of my love life. I let myself to wander alone and far to look for love adventure, which I must stop right now. It’s too far and too dangerous. Going in and out of one heart to another that I find so beautiful, but the intensity is somehow too high. I need to slow down my love life – my personal life – and speed up my professional life. I am simply a human being who can’t speed up both his professional and personal lives at once. I am not superman. I am an ordinary mankind, who also has personal limit. I could go beyond the limit, but right now it seems that the entire universe do not support me to achieve it. I need to stop, NOW, before it’s too late.

For this time, I need to reflect on myself. what I have been doing so far for myself, for others and for this life. not much. It means I have to sit down and think, CLEARLY and WISELY, which I guess would be so difficult to complete.

I don’t have the time to sit down and relax and think. Simply like a pilot of a jet plane, who must think tactfully and fast, when the jet plane flies through a turbulence. what the pilot must do, is to fasten his seat belt, take control of the jet plane and think how to safe the entire life of the passengers. This should be the most suitable analogy to draw a picture of the circumstances I face right now.

If there are options, which one I should choose and which one I should sacrifice or I shouldn’t sacrifice anything and safe everything possible. This is the hardest task to carry on. Not to sacrifice anything, but safe everything possible.

How to learn this matters? I can say that life is the best school of thoughts for everyone who can take the priceless lessons in it. This is very valuable time to reflect when you think you are at a dead-end and when you can’t think about any solution for your problems anymore. This is about what your heart says no but your mind says yes. This is about the fight against yourself. This is about what so-called mental and psychological wars within oneself. This is about how to win the battle against ourselves.

When you already know what to do and to which direction to go, you have to set strategy to win the battle against yourself. don’t beat yourself, understand it and go over it. Work together with it but do not defeat it. Befriend with it don’t hurt it. Love it and don’t leave it. Appreciate it and don’t make fun of it.

This is about how to find one-half of yourself. This is about to find the real soul mate within yourself. This is about to understand yourself and everyone that all humankind have two selves in their souls and we have to know both of them.

the first half might guide you to the wrong path and while the second half might guide you to the right path. So be careful with yourself.

Also remember, life will never be the same if you take control.

Some people feel so disturb with personal life while the are focusing on their professional development. Some people feel naive when they get aging and they forget about their personal life.

I think this is the challenge for everyone in all parts of the world, to think about those 2 matters equally, in balance, without putting aside from one another. This is the task of all youth in this world to challenge this condition, to deal with it once in a life time, before everything gets too late.

Once, I heard that the most productive and the best time for everyone to develop themselves and to figure our their selves what they want and what they need in this life and where they go in their lives happen when people in their 20 – 25 age range. So, only in 5 years time, people have to find out about themselves. It’s the best time for everyone to understand yourself. Do it now before it’s too late.

Let me simplify: What you must do in you first half 20s?

You must figure out ways to understand yourself, to develop yourself so that you have a unique competitive edge from other young people around you.

I think I have gone too far now. It;s not what I feel, this is what I think. Massive. I must agree with a friend once said this morning. I get more forgetful, I become more absent-minded in my age, just because there are too much things in my mind. I need to share them, I need to write them down and tell them to you all.

In a moment of silence here, feel so dirty and nasty (read: bitch), excuse my words, It;s simply what I think. It’s just because I go from one heart to another so fast, lately. But this is what I want to. To get the best love of my life, to be my life partner who can really understand me for now and forever. I miss the figure of this kind of lovely person.

I think this is the answer: I need a presence of a very caring and understanding person. Whom I can go with, whom I can share all my problems and ideas and on whose shoulder I can cry on. What is this?? This sounds so girlish. STOP IT!

This is also a prat of myself. I have to admit it and I have to accept it. I don’t want to deny that as a man I am somehow too sensitive. I could cry out loud in public! so embarrassing. I must be tough, but I am human too, I have feeling and I have self sensitivity. So I CRY.

Oh my Lord! please help me make it through the hardship. I know that my tasks are waiting for me there, to be done, now or later.

Okay, God. I’ll be honest that right now I divide my heart for four persons in different places. I am done with it. I can’t handle no more. I surrender. It’s too hard to manage everything for four of them at a time. Noooo… Please God release me from this state of feelings from this state of mind. If I could give up three of them, I might have focused my whole energy on my professional development better and more. But, which one to choose.

I lose direction, I lose control of myself. Horrible…

I love four of them and I definitely do not want to give up any. What should I do?! It seems to be the hardest task to finish one by one compared to the task I have to finish in my internship program in UNESCO right now.

My undergraduate thesis is also waiting for me there, to be finalized.

It’s hard to believe. I think I got the answer already. I must choose and I must decide, who to sacrifice. My Random Heart and my Foggy Mind can’t tell. If so, should I go through and through this situation time after time? No way. I can go insane soon, otherwise.

God, please give me your light. You are the light of my life. Let me come to you once again and persist. I know that You are the last I must go to, to deal with all of this sinful life. Please give me one more chance to fix up my life and to relieve myself.

I simply need to STOP right now. I have been driving too fast. I must SLOW DOWN. and I need to think over what I have done, what I am doing and what I will be doing. Once I reach that point, I can SPEED UP again to achieve my dreams one by one.

I still have to go through a very very very very very long road to get to my FINAL DESTINATION. To eventually arrive to my place, called home.

I must make decision right now. My time is running and so limited. I need to give my all for what I have been dreaming of. I am going through another process, again, yet to bring me to another result – satisfying one – at the end of the journey.

Okay. It’s time for me to take action for all the problems I have been going through, all alone with no one who helps and accompany.

I must be tougher and stronger now. I am the warrior of my life. I have gotta be brave to face every single problem comes to my life. I must be harsh for a while to be able to encounter these problems.

I love myself for the man who wants to be and for the man who wants to change his life for a betterment. I gotta go for my dreams and I will never trade them with fleeting happiness and enjoyment, NEVER. I will go for it, all by myself!

The Treasure in Ourselves

Treasure of ourselves is something so precious…and I just found it yesterday!

Sometime and most of the time we are looking for things. We are searching for something that we want out there. But remember, look inside yourself what you are looking for, first. You might have it inside there! Trust me.

It is the same case as if you are wondering what is going on. Ask yourself first. You might have the answer. Find it in yourself.

This is the treasure that God gives to us. We have everything we need and we want inside ourselves, but we are simply to hesitant to find it inside. We prefer to lok for it outside. We ask someone else. We look the treasure somewhere out there. Till we realize that we are lost in the middle of nowhere.

Your treasure is inside. It won’t go anywhere. It stays there as long as you keep them and as long as you nurture them.

We are rich. We are beautiful inside. We have to know it. and we must take care of it.

I was looking for someone who can really help me to organize my youth campaign and after long searching I found nobody, but guess what? I found this person, the right person who can really help me succeed my youth campaign, in the office!

This is what I call the beauty or prosperity of ourselves. Ask yourself first to figure out what you have inside. Remember you are always with your spirit within.

I feel so blessed to have such treasure. I am very thankful to God that I found it. Just know the basic principle. Ask yourself! I also would like to thank an Uzbekhistani guy who thought me this principle. Thank you for the lesson. I will remember this in my life. This is also self-empowering attitude that’s sometime forgotten.

Find the beauty and the treasure of your own before you look for it outside!

taken and edited from dated December 2006

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