Balancing Life

Today is Friday the 13th; and I can say that this is the first, the one and only Friday the 13th in year 2008. Can we say that Friday the 13th is a bad sign? For some people probably yes, but not for some other. To me, personally, I want today to be a new starting point for me in my life. I want to re-organize my life again, after a series of miserable events occurred, hit me and let me down.

Close To You

To be honest, I was about to give up everything. I was about to give up this life and end my life yesterday. I was crying and crying. I talked to God and my late mom; whom I have been away for too long. I prayed until I fell asleep, and that really avoided me from committing suicide. It was the hardest day, I thought; I felt so lonely and alone in my room and had no idea what to do with this life and didn’t know how to carry on. I had been going the wrong way this far, which actually was my own choice, although I knew that I was wrong, it was a very big mistake that I shouldn’t have done, but I had no other choice. I should have been closer to You.

I feel desperate and lost at this very moment, walking step by step to put the shattered pieces of my heart, my spirit and my soul; to look for the missing and darkened hope in the remaining light that I could see deep down inside my damaged faith. Somehow I still believed that there was a way out for all of these problems, though most of the time what I could see was very dark cul-de-sac.

I just wanted to see the light, the light that will guide me to get out of this never ending cave, the cave of earthly possession that I could hardly bear. I had just given one up, though it was very hard to do, but I just did. I couldn’t just let it go but I had too, to put my life in order again, to remove one burden that I had been carrying. I still feel so sad about that decision, though I didn’t really want to do it, to lose it. I just had to. I hope that it was the best decision that I had made. No hurt feeling.

Now I have to carry on, on my own and with my own way. Slowly but with little doubts in mind if I could go on, I will try to stand and walk with my wounded knees and heart. Now I have to face the truth again, the truth that I have to let another possession go, a thing that I have been nurturing for almost one year, 11 months and 29 days; so tomorrow I will have to make another important decision in my life. Another sacrifices, another mental and psychological war that I have to go; a battle that I have to finish. I know it will take courage for me, for me heart to let go. I have to, and that was the plan. That time has come and I have to make up my mind.

I will have to stand on my own after then, which will be very hard, but with the shining and guiding star I will go and reach my destination. All I have to do now is to finish the unfinished business, and then to go back to the place where I belong, the place I have been wanting to be and to make plans for my future. I have been suffering too much and I don’t want to feel that way anymore, it’s enough and it’s time for me to make changes for myself. I don’t want to be controlled and dependent, I want to stand on my own feet; and I have to begin now.

What happened in the past let stay in the past, as lessons in life and memories that I can only remember and recall if I want to. Never look back or go back, I have to look straight forward as a proud man of having passed the darkest time in life, a man who will just have to begin another new chapter in life, a man who will pass a transition process in life to grow and to be wiser.

A new day has come, a new hope has been given and a new life has been blessed…

What’s This Life For

Those problems make me wonder why I should live and carry this heavy loads and what this life is for. I’d rather not live than seeing this cruel life and cruel people that give no mercy. People say bad things about us, some other say god things about us; so whom we should listen to? I should say that it is our heart, the voice within us that we have to listen to. People will only make us confused by what they are saying about us. Everything is relative, a person says that we are good person; the other says we are unfriendly person; so keep going on with whatever you have, and however you are.

In this life, the hardest thing is to be ourselves. A lot of people wear masks to get accepted in the society, they can’t be themselves and let others understand and accept them just they way they are. It’s very hard to do. People can’t live with who they really are. They are afraid to be rejected in the community, without realizing that they are becoming people of who they are not. I hate it, I hate that social condition. Every time I want to be myself, there will always be problems and rejection. People can hardly understand how important it is for others to show and to be who they are.

What’s this life for? We live not to get or make everyone happy, which is hardly impossible. But we live to be ourselves and to give ourselves chance to grow and to give benefits for those around us with very best intention, no matter what they will say about it and about us. People can’t just let us do it! They say that it is freedom of expression, to whose standard? Those who hold the power? Or those who are powerless? Nobody knows; and they can simply twist the condition for their own sake. I don’t understand it and I really disagree with that condition.

We just have to remember that there is always balance in every life aspect. Everything will put up pros and cons, good and bad; just like the balance of Yin and Yang. We have to understand it very well, so that we can become more tolerable as a person and more understanding about differences that appear in real life. Sometimes, somehow things are not enough, what we have given to certain people, society, groups; they demand more and more than what we are able to reach and give.

What we can do is to look back what this life is for; the purpose of our existence, here on earth. This life is not endless, we are not either. We will die and leave everything that we ever possess and have when we live. This is not eternal life. There is another life phase that we will destine ad new have to be ready to go and to leave what we have behind.

“We are not defined by what our jobs are, but how well we rise after falling.” This time, I stand up once again after falling thousands of times; I have to be brave to face the truth, the truth of losing some things and some people that I really loved..

taken and edited from dated June 14, 2008

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